That time of the year.

It's strange how I've been thinking about you quite a lot recently--it's scary, really, because aside from the initial good feelings it brings me, it doesn't do me much good. It also shouldn't come as a surprise anymore, though, because, for years, Christmas has been, on varying degrees, associated with you.

Not that I spent a great number of Christmases with you as my person, but I guess those couple of little Christmases we did spend together together must've meant a lot to me /to the point that I seriously dreaded that first Christmas after lol/. I don't know how exactly to make sense of it, but my point is that it's Christmas and it's both warm and cold.

And that I miss you. Not 'you' in those two years, just you.

The childish friendship and the not-as-childish relationship that came out of that feel like a lifetime ago already. And it's not that I haven't come to terms with how things ended up /maybe not totally, but I have gotten over most of it/--I'm thankful for it, even--it's just that it's hard not to miss you from time to time, with a few moments harder to deal with than most. And Christmas is making it worse.

And of course, there are days when I wish that things had turned out differently. I'm not sure if they would've gone better, but I do dream of having things work out another way, and I'm pretty sure it's obvious what I mean by that. I couldn't help it.

I always tell myself that I have these little relapse thoughts only because I haven't been in a relationship apart from ours, that it's the only reference available to me, so it's natural to think about it from time to time.

I sincerely hope I'm right, because I don't need to be pouring my energy and emotions into something that's long been over. for you, at least.